Floating in Limbo

Dear Reader,

If time flies when you are having fun and creeps when you are doing something unpleasant, what does it do when you are doing neither?

I have the answer.  It blurs.  It blends together until hours, days, months, years all become one, punctuated only by special occasions or events that eventually stop distinguishing themselves and fade into the whole.  The title of this blog is Running in Limbo, but as I've stated I'm no fighter.  I'm not running anymore.  I'm not even wandering or blundering through for the most part.  I'm laying down and surrendering to the current, flowing from day to day.  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays: meaningless.  I forget them until they are upon me, and are just as quickly re-forgotten when past.  Just surrender to the current flowing ceaselessly on to eventually be dumped unceremoniously into that great ocean of oblivion with all the other countless nameless, faceless nobodies that make up the world's population.

Sayonara,

Just Floating.

It ne'er rains but it pours

Dear Reader,

I nearly posted the other day about simply giving up and letting the universe win.  I'm really not a fighter.  I mostly want world peace and local peace and personal peace and all of that kind of idealistic nonsense. 

The sad thing is, my life isn't all that bad.  And I am getting interviews.  But I'm so tired of interviews.  I had an interview with the public library at which I volunteer this past Friday.  I think I have a good shot at the job.  Unfortunately, it is only half time and pays less than my last job.  On the upside, it would be good experience for my resume, I would be doing good for my community, and it would keep me occupied and make me feel like a contributing member of society.  So overall, a good deal.

However....  There's always a "however" or a "but".  I got a call late the same afternoon inviting me to a phone interview next Monday morning for a full-time, professional academic position in my local area.  I should be ecstatic about this, and all pumped up.  But I'm not.  In some ways I'd rather just take the part-time job and give up on job hunting altogether.  I know that the academic job would be better for me financially, would be full-time, and would contribute more to my career future.  But I would hate to take the job at the public library, working for people I care about, and just quit on them 6 or 8 weeks in.  Assuming that I even get a second-round interview.  And after said interview, I get offered the position.  Which could happen anywhere in the next month or three.  And I would spend the whole time not knowing.

I hate the uncertainty.  I hate the constant wondering.  If I can get the academic job I really do want it, but a part of me says "Bugger it, just take the public job and work it for a year or two.  Surely things must get better in there somewhere.  So what if it doesn't have any benefits or health insurance.  So what if it doesn't pay much and wouldn't look as snooty on your resume.  At least it doesn't have the word 'temporary' anywhere in the title.  You can drop the unemployment insurance, stop sending off applications, and if need be, get a second part-time job."

So I'm hoping to do well on my interview next Monday, but I really can't wait to get the whole deal over with.

Until next time, Dear Reader.

--the Limbo Runner

To do is to be, to be is to do; doobeedoobeedoo

Dear Reader,
Here is a link to new post from one of my fave web comics.  It's an illustrated ongoing autobiography, of sorts.  She doesn't post terribly often, but what she does put up is worth reading.  This one is a kind of reminder of what it's all about--it jumped out at me as a refocusing point.  I may not be the most patient person, and I may not have it all figured out, but the journey is the important part.  Stop worrying and just Be.

http://comics.lucyknisley.com/comics/2011-10-08-Celestial-vs-Terrestrial.jpg

Thanks for sticking with me,
--The Limbo Runner

What's in your head? Zombie, Zombie

Dear Reader,

I find the most difficult part of being unoccupied so much of the time is that I live inside my head constantly, and have to face all of those dark, complicated, insidious thoughts that so often get shoved aside when I'm busy or gainfully employed.  Things like: Are we really coming out of this recession or is it just going to get worse?  Will my time unemployed further negatively impact my future attempts to make headway in a career?  Is there anyone worth voting for--OR, better yet--who do I want the LEAST to make it into our national leadership? 

When I'm working my most pressing concerns tend to involve things like: is it a good time to start looking for a house, and can we save enough for a down payment?  Or, when should I stop birth control and start trying to get pregnant so that the birth would be at the most convenient time for my employment and so that I can spend the most time possible with my child before going back to work?  And: should we stop eating out so much so that I can try to lose some weight and get in better shape?

Of course, all of those other global concerns pop up from time to time, particularly when I read or listen to the news, but now that I have so much time on my hands I can't help but obsess about them all the time.   Where is this country headed?  Why do people seem to hate each other so much when they really have so much in common with one another?  Are people really trying to sow discord and confusion--is it deliberate--or is it just the natural state of things?  And: do I really matter?  What can one person do to effect harmony and equality in the world?

I have this sneaky, sinking feeling that the quote/unquote "1%", whoever they really are, are quite content with the level of internal backbiting amongst the American people and in the world as a whole.  Corporate bigwigs, religious hierarchy, career politicians--they all make off like bandits directly and indirectly because of the hatred and distrust amongst us.  Democrats versus Republicans versus Tea Partiers, Left versus Right, Moralists and Religious Fanatics versus Secularists and Moderates.  Religious Fanatics versus different Religious Fanatics.  Capitalists versus Socialists.  Intellectuals versus the "Common Folk".  We're all sheeple, a bunch of puppets on strings and we dance any way they want.  Who can see the bigger picture when we're too busy getting caught up in the details?  Every which way you look, more little distractions are placed in the way to block your view. Aargh! 

Dear Reader, I don't want to be a zombie, a sheeple.  I want to be a realist, to make a difference.  One person may not have the strength to move a giant stone, but when a thousand or a million "single" persons all wake up from this zombie-like state and push together it doesn't take that much individual effort to get the thing rolling.  Mind that they don't get distracted and trample each other to death in the process.

I wish I could get out of my head just live my life--make a life for myself.  I don't want to get caught up in anything.  I don't want to go out on a limb.  I just want a simple life, a simple, pleasant existence.  I want people to get along, wealth to be fairly distributed, nobody to starve, Netflix to recombine their services, and life to be affordable but not extravagant.  Dear Reader, is that too much to ask for?

Until next time,
--The Limbo Runner

Not Just a State of Mind

Dear Reader:

I've been trying to sleep unsuccessfully for the last little bit, so I thought I'd get up and blog for a bit before the sleeping meds kick in.

Speaking of meds, I've been thinking--in a bit of a round-about way, of course.  About drugs and money.  As of right now, with my unemployed status, DH is bringing home the dough/bacon/etc.  (OK, he just brings home the money, and then I go out and buy the bacon and make/cook the dough).  According to government statistics, even on just his one income we classify as "middle class".  I think that if what we are is part of the median, the U.S. must not be so terribly wealthy.  Or at least, not in the vast majority.

While pondering our financial situation, I started to make a breakdown of where our funds go, just to see how much we are actually living on compared to what DH "makes" on paper.  It boils down to this:

--a little over 25% goes to taxes
--another 16-17% goes to health insurance
--another 7-8% pays for medicine and medical fees

Leaving us with a grand total of approximately half of his actual income to live off.  Suddenly we're not so wealthy.  And now see why we're understandably concerned about the feasibility of affording to raise children in a good environment?  Leaving out all other potential factors for the time being.

And you would think that with as much of our income going into medical care as goes into taxes we would be getting pretty decent care.  Not so much per se.  Though we're still much better off than so many others in this country, which is downright deplorable.  Today the specialist that DH has been waiting nearly a month to see just pushed back the basic, preliminary appointment to determine whether or not he needs a diagnostic procedure another 3 weeks because her office over-booked her.  Nevermind the primary doctor referred him to the specialist because she thinks there is an underlying problem causing his arrhythmia--yes, I did just say that his heart is beating irregularly, causing him to be on a slew of medications that cause everything from depression to unnatural weight gain, to high cholesterol, and possibly the loss of several years of his life, not to mention costing us hundreds of dollars in medications and doctor's appointments every month--and this underlying problem could be detected by a relatively minor diagnostic procedure.  Which he can't have until he sees the specialist and she recommends it.  Zod only knows how long after that happens that he will actually have the procedure, followed by another millenium of waiting to find out what the problem is, and then ultimately resulting in some far-distant invasive procedure.  Or maybe just a switch-up of the meds.  In the meantime, his heart will continue to beat irregularly, we will spend 1/4 of our take-home income on drugs and doctors.

And lest you think this is an isolated incident, I waited over a month for our doctor's office to call and make a referral for myself to a different, unrelated specialist's office.  That is with me calling multiple times to check up on the status.  Now that they've referred me on, the new office has decided they must review my files before deciding whether or not to take me on as a patient before ever making a preliminary appointment.  I've been waiting 2 weeks on them.  I've called once, and will be calling again shortly to determine if I should just give up and try someone else.  This is for a problem resulting from a surgery I had nearly 2 years ago that my doctors so far have tried to insinuate is hypochondriacal, at least until I spent 2 months in non-stop pain and nausea.  I actually had to dig around in the medical lit myself to try to figure out what's wrong with me.  I've got it narrowed down, but until I actually see a specialist there's nothing I can do, and I can't confirm or reject my hypotheses.  So maybe by Christmas?  I guess I don't have to worry about whether or not I can afford kids if I can't even have them because I can't get my pre-existing medical problems taken care of.

And so much our lovely healthcare system.  When people rant against universal healthcare raising taxes, don't they realize that their lovely free-market health system is already costing them at least a quarter of their income--taking as much as if not more from them than taxes?  And for what?  To be treated like less than dirt?  To lose weeks and months of healthy living, and possibly years of total living, even though we're paying out the wazoo? 

Dear Reader, when I'm not depressed I'm angry and when I'm not angry I'm depressed.  Too depressed for anything, even sex.

Dear Reader,  I'm pretty bummed right now.

'Til next time,
--The Limbo Runner

Show Must Go On

Dear Reader,

Today I applied for another job--this one as a library tech, not a full "librarian".  I think that's okay.  I don't think DH (dear husband) is as thrilled about it, but at this point if I can just get a decent job--preferably in my chosen area of expertise--I can get my foot in the door.  It doesn't hurt that I know a bit about the area in which the job is located and it would be a pretty nice place to live.  Plus I'd be near my best friend (another limbo-runner, IMO--more on that another time), and my big sister.  All in all not too bad.  There should be plenty of opportunities in that area for DH to get a job (crossing fingers).  He's a computer tech and can do anything from programming to repairs to networks.  So in pretty high demand anywhere there is a decent-sized population.  I'm feeling good about this.  I probably won't get an interview, mostly because it is just a tech job and I'm not from that area. 

There's another sticking point for us young unemployeds.  Many of us are fairly mobile, especially if still single and/or childless.  That means we're pretty flexible when it comes to seeking employment.  Sure, there are some places we'd rather live, but in the bigger picture the job itself is the bigger deal.  We hope that if we can get the work experience now, someday we can move to (or back to) the place we really want to be.  People posting professional jobs are used to hiring out of area and often pay for the trip to interview.  Sometimes they even pay moving expenses.  However, if we try to get professional jobs, we simply don't have enough experience to compete on the level.  So an alternative and one way to get the necessary experience is to get a paraprofessional job and work in it for a while.  If we're lucky, a professional job may eventually open up within the organization and we are then in a better position to move up.  Unfortunately, people hiring paraprofessionals prefer to look within their own area and are not at all interested in paying to import talent.  Consequently applications of job seekers from out-of-town are frequently chucked in the waste bin without serious consideration because who in their right mind would spend hundreds of dollars traveling cross-country to interview for a so-so job?

I would.  Especially if they are in one of my target job-search areas.  And I bet there are plenty of others who would as well.  What about you, Dear Reader?  Would you travel cross-country and foot the bill for a moderate-paying job that you might not even get?

Until next time,
--The Limbo Runner

Experience? What's that?

Dear Reader,

Welcome back.  I think in my last post I sounded pretty motivated.  Sometimes I am.  The truth is, I'm extremely ambivalent.  Some days I'm all charged up, ready to take on the world and go out there and make my own destiny, but more frequently I feel like I have to force myself to get going.

I try not to think about politics or the economy too much, because when I do I feel simultaneously enraged and defeated.  I try not to get my hopes up too much about employment, because it feels like every time fate throws me a bone, it's really just a rubber chew toy attached to the end of a string and I'm being jerked around.


I have submitted dozens of applications over the last 8 months, and lots more over the last few years.  I have had....ohhh, maybe 10-12 phone interviews at this point.  I have gotten 3 second-round in-person interviews in different states, traveling thousands of miles in the process.  I've given presentations, walked all day in the rain in heels and a skirt, been subjected to hours of torture interrogation interviews, and met lots of new people.  The net result?  Constant, continual rejection.

Am I too perky?  Am I not perky enough?  Am I too young and inexperienced?  That I can't do a whole lot about.   It's hard not to take it all personally.  After all, if I were good enough surely someone would have hired me by now.  My mentors tell me I'm smart and capable.  My shrink tells me over and over again to look around me, it's 2011.  Nobody's getting jobs.  But it wasn't until I traveled into the deep South this past month for the latest job interview that the reality of the economic downturn (let's be honest--the New Depression) started to sink in.

As a rule, the rural South has been the nation's poor dumpy sister pretty much since the fallout of the Civil War.  Even so, certain areas tend to be more stable than others, holding up even through the leanest of times.  The town I visited was one of these more stable areas, supported both by the industries of higher education and the military.  And yet fully 1/3-1/2 of all of the non-chain stores in the town proper were either closing down or had already closed.  Houses were being rented out all over the place because people had given up on trying to sell them.  Brand-spanking new entire condo buildings were being foreclosed on.  Outside of the city limits was even worse.

At that point I think I realized for the first time, truly deep inside, that it's not all about me.  I know that businesses are cutting costs, and in doing so opting to hire experienced workers who already have the training and who can jump right in without much support in lieu of bringing in new talent.  Even for "entry-level" jobs, most ads require 2 or more years of professional experience.  And when people are being laid off left and right, it's not hard to find someone with the experience willing to work for less pay.  The problem for my generation, for us newbies, is that we can't get the required experience because no one is willing to hire us.  It's not that we're not likeable.  It's not that we're not talented.  It's not even that we're lazy or untrainable.  It's just plain and simple a matter of stability.  No one wants to take the risk.  And we are a risky investment.  It's like trying to get a loan with no credit history.  You may seem like a reliable person, but it's safer and easier to go with someone with a paper trail.  Oh, and did I mention that they don't have to be trained?  Never mind that many of us are self-training and very motivated.

So what are we supposed to do?  Those of us who graduated at beginning of the downturn are terrified.  We're afraid that the only thing we've got going for us in our chosen professions is our newness, our fresh points of view, our momentum and our invigorating attitudes.  By the time people start hiring newbies again we'll be stale, and we still won't have any experience.  We'll be passed over for the new new grads--the ones that won't be bitter, the ones that will still have all the professional ideals still fresh in their minds and hearts.

Dear Reader, it's hard to stay positive in times like this.  I'm still waiting to hear about my last interview, but at this point I'm afraid to get my hopes up again.

Until next time,
--The Limbo Runner